Archive for April, 2003
Peter Herlihy tells me of somebody who was diagnosed with AAADD – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. And this is how it manifested itself:
He decided to wash his car. As he started towards the garage he noticed there was mail on the hall table. He decided to go through the letters before he washed the car.
He laid his car keys down on the table and was about to throw the junk mail in the wastepaper basket under the table when he noticed it was full. He decided to put the bills on the table and take out the rubbish.
But then he thought that as he was going to be near the gate, and the mailbox was just around the corner he might as well settle the bills first. So he took his cheque book off the table and noticed there was only one left. He had a new cheque book in the study and on entering the study saw a can of soft drink he had been drinking. Then he decided to put the drink in the fridge to cool it.
On his way to the kitchen, he noticed a vase of flowers on the kitchen counter that needed water. He put the can down, only to discover his reading glasses for which he had been searching all morning. He decided to put them back on his desk after he’d put water in the vase. He put his glasses back on the kitchen counter, filled a container with water and suddenly spotted the TV remote. Someone had left it on the kitchen table.
He realised that tonight he’d be searching for it so he decided to put it back where it belonged, but first he’d water the flowers. He splashed some water on the flowers, but most of it spilt on the floor. So he put the remote back on the table and got some towels to wipe up the spill. Then as he headed down the hall he tried to remember what it was he had been planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car wasn’t washed, the bills weren’t paid, there was a warm can of drink sitting on the table, the flowers had wilted, there was still only one cheque and he could find neither the remote control nor his glasses, and he couldn’t recall what he’d done with the car keys.
Nor could he work out why nothing had got done today. And yet he was tired. He acknowledged that he had a problem and thought of ringing his doctor.
But then he spotted the bills on the table and thought he’d better pay them first.
It’s been a slow day, ok?
At first glance I wondered why Ernie Wise was fooling around with the everyone’s favourite despot. I could tell you which comedian I prefer but this is a no politics zone. So I won’t.
The Major who was found guilty of cheating on ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’ has just committed suicide…
Celador Productions have issued a statement saying that they are willing to pay for the funeral, but not for the coffin.
by Grace Paly
Here I am in the garden laughing
an old woman with heavy breasts
and a nicely mapped face
how did this happen
well that’s who I wanted to be
at last a woman
in the old style sitting
stout thighs apart under
a big skirt grandchild sliding
on off my lap a pleasant
that’s my old man across the yard
he’s talking to the meter reader
he’s telling him the world’s sad story
how electricity is oil or uranium
and so forth I tell my grandson
run over to your grandpa ask him
to sit beside me for a minute I
am suddenly exhausted by my desire
to kiss his sweet explaining lips.
Thanks to Kalilily for the link.
I’m still getting google, yahoo and msn hits for that Bryan Adams story. It seems to go in cycles, one week lots of David Hasselhof hit, the next it’s Bryan Adams. Wierd.
A dog walks into a butcher shop, spends a number of minutes looking at the meat on display, and eventually indicates with a nod of his head and a bark that he would like some lamb chops. The butcher, thinking the dog would know no better, picks up the lowest quality chops in the shop.
The dog barks furiously and continues to bark until the butcher selects the finest chops from the display counter.
The butcher weighs the meat and asks the dog for $5.90. Again, the dog barks furiously until the butcher reduces the bill to the correct price of $3.60.
The dog hands over a five dollar note and the butcher gives him 40 cents in change. Once again, the dog barks continuously until the butcher tenders the correct change. The dog then picks up his package and leaves the shop.
Now, the butcher is extremely impressed and decides that he would like to own a dog so clever. He shuts up shop and follows the dog to see where it goes.
After ten minutes or so, the dog climbs the steps to a house. When it gets to the top, it shakes its head as though in frustration, gently places the package of meat on the floor and, standing on its hind legs, rings the doorbell.
A man opens the door and starts to yell obscenities at the dog. As he does so, the horrified butcher leaps up the steps and begs the man to stop. “It’s such an intelligent dog,” he says, “surely it doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment.”
He then went on to explain how the dog had procured the best lamb chops in the shop, insisted on paying the advertised price and quibbled over incorrect change!
The man looked at the butcher and said, “Intelligent he may be, but this is the third time this week he’s forgotten his keys”.
As if we didn’t have enough around here, someone’s devoted a whole website to them. Very childish and very funny.