A little creative pumpkin carving to take us into weekend.
Archive for October, 2003
I was also lucky enough to be brought up in a loving, close knit family.
Scary moments while travelling?
Being punched in the stomach by a strange man in Notre Dame cathedral in Paris. He appeared out of nowhere, did the deed and ran away. At the risk of sounding Pollyanna-ish, I’m glad he “chose” me rather than the Japanese woman standing to my right who was 4 months pregnant.
Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.
Q: How do you make a witch stew?
A: Keep her waiting for hours.
Q: How do ghosts begin their letters?
A: “Tomb it may concern…”
Q: What happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.
Q: What do you call a person who puts rat poison in a person’s Corn Flakes?
A: A cereal killer
A GROUP of French villages with mirth-producing names such as Filthy Pig and My Bottom have formed a league of the absurd to pool experience at the butt end of popular humour.
The first meeting of “Villages of lyric or burlesque names” took place over the weekend in a hamlet outside the southern city of Toulouse entitled Mingocebos, which means Eat Onions in the old southern language of Occitan.
“When you go to a reception and you say you are the mayor of Bordeaux nothing happens. When you say you are the mayor of Cucugnan people laugh,” said Denis Descube, a municipal official in Cucugnan, whose name evokes twice over the French for Arse.
Other villages taking part were Beaufou (Beautiful Mad), Saligos (Filthy Pig) and Cocumont (Cuckold Hill). Trecon (Very Stupid) and Montcuq (My Arse) stayed away. Places with lyrical rather than lewd names included Cassaniouze, Escannecrabe and Clochemerle — which was made famous in the book of the same name by Gabriel Chevallier.
“It’s a way of capitalising on the name. Till now it’s just been a source of humour, but this way we are putting ourselves on the map,” said Descube.
English [speaking] visitors to France have long been amused by place names such as Pissy, Stains, Stiff, Anus, Condom and Brest.
Tiny Peewee aims for big time
A hamster so small he could fit into a match box could well find his way into the Guinness Book of Records.
The tiny creature – called Peewee – is fully grown and yet measures less than one inch in length, weighs less than one ounce and is no higher than a 50p piece.
The tiny rodent’s owner, pet shop boss Mandy Bower who breeds hamsters for sale in Keighley, West Yorkshire, says she has never seen anything like him. “I think he stopped growing at three weeks old, all his brothers and sisters continued growing to around four or six inches, but he just stopped. “He’ll be nine weeks old on Friday and he’s from a litter of six.”
And Mandy, 36, said he may be small, but he’s a little character with a big attitude. “He’s a bit bossy with the others”, she added “Hamsters sleep in a big clump and he sleeps under everybody else, in the warmest spot. “I’m surprised he hasn’t been squashed to be honest with you. “He’s always first to the feeding bowl, he’s got a massive appetite and the others have to eat their food around him.
Ms Bower told BBC News Online she had contacted the Guinness Book of Records and they have said there are records for the oldest and the biggest hamster, but none for the smallest. Now global checks are being made to see if tiny Peewee can join the big boys of world records.
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car’s hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
Male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 & 1/2 minutes
If you’re feeling really evil tonight, send this to a few carefully selected “friends” and family…