…should be banned. Especially when you’re worried sick about your gorgeous dog who’s at the vets to be neutered. Yes I know that it’s a routine operation and the surgeon is wonderful but still. There’s always a risk with anaesthetic and she’s already had so much— okay, I’ll stop now. Will be able to ring in 53 minutes to find out how the surgery has gone.
So where shall we go instead? How about thinking up some fiendishly awful things to add to the list of Things to Annoy People at work:
- “Hi-Lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.
- Compose all of your email in rhyming couplets.
- Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
- Determine how many cups of coffee is “too much”.
- Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
- Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
- Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
- Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
- Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page on all reports that you write (if you don’t have children – draw stick figures yourself).
- Insist that your email address be “firstname.lastname@example.org”
- Make up nicknames for all of your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point Sparky”, “No, I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi”.
- Name all of your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they are all present.
- No matter what anyone asks you, reply “okay”.
- Page yourself over the intercom (don’t disguise your voice).
- Plant a hedge around your desk area.
- Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over caffeine addictions–switch to espresso.
- Put up mosquito netting around your desk.
- Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN”.
- Schedule meetings for 4:14pm.
- Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you are doing (ie. “If anyone needs me I’ll be in the bathroom”).
- Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the email to a co-worker and ask him/her to settle the disagreement.
- Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
- While sitting at your desk, soak your hands in Palmolive.
If that doesn’t appeal, how about the truth behind the moon landings? Or Monekeyboy’s notes on How to impress a woman? Oh Lord, Graeme is tapping his fingers on the desk now, I’m going to hit Publish and go squirreling in the archives for some more…