Here are the top ten so far:
“I can’t believe you got this number so quickly. I got out of prison yesterday. You know what I was in for? Selling telemarketers’ personal information to people that do bad things to them. Can I get you to stay on the line for just about thirty five more seconds while this thing downloads your cubicle location and headset I.D.?” or “This call will be recorded for quality assurance.”
If you have caller ID, when you pick up the phone say, “Hello this is Buddy the elf.” Then talk really fast so they can’t understand you when you say, “Loser says what?”
If you have caller ID, say, “Trixie’s Call Girl Service. Press ‘one’ for an appointment. Press ‘two’ if you are seeking employment. Press ‘three’ if you are a law enforcement officer.”
A reader from Sydney, Australia wrote about his revenge on a telemarketer selling aluminum siding.
“We were forever getting calls to clad (add siding to) our home. In the end, I was really cheesed off so under duress I made an appointment for a rep to come and give me a quote. When he arrived and found my home was of brick construction he virtually went through the roof, but on settling down he asked why I had accepted the offer of a quote. I said, being sick of calls from his company, I decided to accept their offer. That was the last call we had for aluminum cladding.”
“My dad once invited a guy out to the house to give an estimate on waterproofing the basement that my dad couldn’t convince him we didn’t have. When he asked my dad to show him the stairs to the basement, my dad took him outside to a hole in the backyard leading to the crawlspace and offered him a flashlight. The guy looked at my dad and said, ‘But you don’t have a basement,’ to which my dad replied, ‘That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!'”
Interrupt them and demand to know how they got this number. Before they can reply, tell them to be quiet and listen. Tell them federal agents are en route to their location, and to follow your instructions to the letter if they want to avoid being shot. Tell them to shut down their computer and all other devices in their office, hang up and unplug the phone, then to kneel down in the middle of the room. They are then to cross their ankles and place their hands on their head and stay that way until the agents arrive. Then hang up.
“That offer sounds great. Is it dischargeable in bankruptcy?” or “Do you accept welfare checks?”
Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
“Because our home is under my partner’s name, they almost always call asking for him. When I tell them he’s not here, they then ask for ‘Mrs.’ I finally got brazen enough to reply, ‘You’re speaking to him. Now what can I do for you?’ “More times than not, they hang up, especially if it’s a man calling. I guess the whole ‘gay’ thing makes some of them uncomfortable. Oh, well!”
I’m with Melissa though, my favourite is:
“Caller number nine you’re on the air. What would you like to hear?”
If anyone has the balls to do any of these for real, let us know PLEASE!