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Men’s Speech Patterns

1. “I can’t find it”
MEANS: It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

2. “That’s women’s work”
MEANS: it’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. “Will you marry me?”
MEANS: both of my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there’s no peanut butter left.

4. “It’s a guy thing.”
MEANS: there’s no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

5. “Can I help with dinner?”
MEANS: why isn’t it already on the table?

6. “It would take too long to explain”
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

7. “I’m getting more exercise lately”
MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead.

8. “We’re going to be late.”
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

9. “Take a break, Doris, you’re working too hard.”
MEANS: I can’t hear the football over the vacuum cleaner.

10. “That’s interesting dear.”
MEANS: are you still talking?

11. “Love, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12. “You expect too much from me.”
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

13. “It’s really a good film.”
MEANS: It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.

14. “You know how bad my memory is.”
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of Only Fools and Horses, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the number plate of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

15. “I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
MEANS: the girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a bikini thong.

16. “Oh, don’t fuss, I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.

17. “Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing.”
MEANS: what did you catch me at?

18. “She’s one of those rabid feminists.”
MEANS: she refused to make my coffee.

19. “I heard you.”
MEANS: I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.

20. “You know I could never love anyone else.”
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realise it could be worse.

21. “You really look terrific in that outfit.”
MEANS: Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.

22. “I brought you a present.”
MEANS: It was free ice scraper on the cover of Man and Motors.

23. “I missed you.”
MEANS: I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we’re out of toilet paper.

24. “I’m not lost, I know exactly where we are.”
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

25. “This relationship is getting too serious.”
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my car.

26. “I don’t need to read the instructions.”
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

[from the inbox circa 1999]

8 Responses to “Men’s Speech Patterns”

  1. anni
    July 30th, 2004 17:56
    1

    Number 16 is wrong. X used to cry at a teeny weeny cut and think he was dying. He once expected me to call an ambulance cos he was sick on red wine – sympathetic me laughed in his face, then walked off when he puked on the station.

    The rest are spot on though.

  2. Daisy
    July 30th, 2004 18:40
    2

    You’re right you know, blokey here demands that I don’t make a fuss if he’s sick but if I then shrug and carry on with whatever I was doing his is outraged!

  3. Map Widow
    July 30th, 2004 21:41
    3

    oh yeeeessss, number 24. i’m thinking back to my lovely first husband, who swore to me in our early days of courtship that he knew the surrounding mountains like the back of his hand.

    Somehow, in the search for a popular downtown cafe, this intrepid outdoorsman could still get lost within 4 square blocks of the city center, compass and map in hand, after getting directions from 3 honest citizens.

    If i hadn’t come to his rescue, he might still be there.

  4. Nursie
    July 30th, 2004 21:50
    4

    No. 16 is the law of thumb around here. If Ironman Watts gets food poisoning, he throws up and goes to bed for half an hour, then gets up and cheerfully goes to work.

    The kids and i get frightened when he comes down with something, because if HE’S sick, we could all DIE.

  5. jo
    July 31st, 2004 20:37
    5

    Oh no, #1 is the truth spoken.

  6. trikke d
    August 3rd, 2004 18:20
    6

    Outrageous!

  7. frankly
    August 19th, 2004 09:58
    7

    This is the most sexist thing i’ve read in years. Since “How to treat your man like a dog” I have not heard such blatant feminist propaganda.

    Grow up!

  8. Daisy
    August 19th, 2004 12:53
    8

    Frankly, diddums.

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