1. “I can’t find it”
MEANS: It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.
2. “That’s women’s work”
MEANS: it’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.
3. “Will you marry me?”
MEANS: both of my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there’s no peanut butter left.
4. “It’s a guy thing.”
MEANS: there’s no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
5. “Can I help with dinner?”
MEANS: why isn’t it already on the table?
6. “It would take too long to explain”
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.
7. “I’m getting more exercise lately”
MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead.
8. “We’re going to be late.”
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.
9. “Take a break, Doris, you’re working too hard.”
MEANS: I can’t hear the football over the vacuum cleaner.
10. “That’s interesting dear.”
MEANS: are you still talking?
11. “Love, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.
12. “You expect too much from me.”
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?
13. “It’s really a good film.”
MEANS: It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.
14. “You know how bad my memory is.”
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of Only Fools and Horses, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the number plate of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.
15. “I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
MEANS: the girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a bikini thong.
16. “Oh, don’t fuss, I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.
17. “Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing.”
MEANS: what did you catch me at?
18. “She’s one of those rabid feminists.”
MEANS: she refused to make my coffee.
19. “I heard you.”
MEANS: I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.
20. “You know I could never love anyone else.”
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realise it could be worse.
21. “You really look terrific in that outfit.”
MEANS: Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.
22. “I brought you a present.”
MEANS: It was free ice scraper on the cover of Man and Motors.
23. “I missed you.”
MEANS: I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we’re out of toilet paper.
24. “I’m not lost, I know exactly where we are.”
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.
25. “This relationship is getting too serious.”
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my car.
26. “I don’t need to read the instructions.”
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.
[from the inbox circa 1999]