This is an allegedly authentic letter sent to the Dear Deirdre Advice Column in this week’s Sun newspaper.
From “Gavin” of London.
I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Cardiff. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for his part in an armed bank raid in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of sexual misconduct with a donkey. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who indeed is still a part time “working girl” in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager.
I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.