Things That It Took Me Over 30 Years To Learn

From the inbox, circa 2002.

  1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
  3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness”.
  4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
  6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
  7. Never lick a steak knife.
  8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
  9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
  10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby.
  11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
  12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
  13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
  14. Your friends love you anyway.
  15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
  16. Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

15 Responses to “Things That It Took Me Over 30 Years To Learn”

  1. e
    February 8th, 2005 13:28

    :) And amen to all of them.

  2. Jane
    February 8th, 2005 14:03

    I don’t know – I think I have to disagree with the birthday one. Then again, it’s okay if other people don’t make a big deal about your birthday as long as you’re still allowed to make a big deal about it yourself.

  3. Mary
    February 8th, 2005 14:20

    Agreed. I might add that as soon as you think it will all be smooth sailing from here on out, the ship springs a leak. Not as glum as you think, just the old, “there’s always something”.

  4. maria
    February 8th, 2005 17:11

    But I AM an above average driver! It helps that nobody in Mexico REALLY knows how to drive :^P They just get behind the wheel and GO! *I’m kidding, you must know I’m kidding*

  5. Daisy
    February 8th, 2005 17:45

    It’s funny, some people love to celebrate birthdays, others (like me) just think of it as an excuse for getting out of doing the dishes ;-)

    Maria, I’ve seen your photo. I wouldn’t get in a car with you… :-0))))

  6. Katherine
    February 8th, 2005 18:37

    Go and live in the far north and then come back to me on number 9! And I like birthdays, otherwise an excellent list, esp number 2.

  7. Birdy
    February 8th, 2005 19:18

    All so so true.

    Except 11.

    Less than 150 shopping days to go

  8. Em
    February 8th, 2005 19:42

    I’ve not seen Maria’s photo, but I’d rather get in the car with her than with em (sorry, em)

  9. briggy
    February 8th, 2005 21:37

    “… and that the internet eats your life”

  10. Anji
    February 9th, 2005 09:22

    How true they all are

  11. zeno
    February 9th, 2005 13:18

    Number 1… OMG!!!

  12. Amber
    February 9th, 2005 20:34

    So how many times did you try #1 before you finally learned?

  13. Yamila
    February 10th, 2005 19:32

    very true
    very funny

  14. Kimberly
    February 11th, 2005 07:26

    Hey! My birthday IS a big deal :)~

    Great list!

  15. Matthew
    March 1st, 2005 03:21

    My birthday is a big deal too! Although I agree with much of what you say, I must disagree with you on birthdays. Ideally, friends and relatives (especially those closest) should always acknowledge each other’s birthdays, at any age. If you truly appreciate someone, is once a year too often to show it, by rejoicing that the person was born?

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