Archive for the 'From the inbox' Category
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:
“Today, my best friend slapped me in the face.”
It’s been a while since I used that title, eh? But this one made me chuckle. Via non blogging Jane.
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”
“Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago,” she states.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is immediately dizzy with excitement.
Here’s the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer” she says. “I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really” he says, swallowing hard, “what myths are those?”
“Well” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent.”
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.
“I’m sorry” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”
From the inbox, circa 2002.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
- There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness”.
- People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- You should not confuse your career with your life.
- Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
- Never lick a steak knife.
- The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, ” When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
Yasser Arafat has been replaced by his brother Marrowfat.
He’s a batchelor and has always played a key part in the peas process.
[apologies to non Brits who might not get this one]
There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, “What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?” and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak — pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband’s client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband’s rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.
“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, “For crying out loud woman, don’t you ever stop?”