And in case you missed it earlier, Santa Takes the A Train, a lovely animation for kids of all ages. Via Kate at Cider Press Hill.

Death certificates, funeral homes and long journeys are on the agenda today, back later for some welcome distraction.

The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:

“Today, my best friend slapped me in the face.”

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.

The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:

“Today, my best friend saved my life.”

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, “After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now, you write on a stone. Why?”

The other friend replied, “When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. When someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone, where no wind can ever erase it.”

Learn to write your hurts in sand, and to carve your benefits in stone.

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”

“Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago,” she states.

Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is immediately dizzy with excitement.

Here’s the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer” she says. “I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really” he says, swallowing hard, “what myths are those?”

“Well” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent.”

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.

“I’m sorry” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”

“Tonto,” the man says, as he extends his hand… “Tonto Papadopoulos.”

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness”.
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, ” When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say ” Eat me” .
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

Thanks to non blogging Jane.

Given my current memory issues, please forgive me if I recycle this at Christmas :-0)

He’s a batchelor and has always played a key part in the peas process.

[apologies to non Brits who might not get this one]

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, “What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?” and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak — pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband’s client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband’s rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, “For crying out loud woman, don’t you ever stop?”

Enjoy.

[thanks to non blogging Jane]