Hearing both US presidential candidates call for unity (and being heartily sick of some of the nastiness out there), I was going to put a halt to the Bush is a moron and the republican supporters have some nasty elements type links but then der Governator comes up with another of his Arnie-isms with “why would I listen to losers?” and the gloves came back off.

So following on from Jann’s joke, here’s the latest from the inbox.

President Bush was visiting a primary school.

One class he visited was in the middle of discussing words and their meaning. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a “tragedy”

One little boy stood up and offered.

“If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him. That would be a tragedy.”

“No” said Bush “That would be an accident.”
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Be very proud to be British because…

Only in Britain… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain… do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain… do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain… do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
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An Irishman goes to the doctor with botty problems…

“Dactor, it’s me ahrse. I’d loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot”.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. “Incredible” he says, “there is a £20 note lodged up here.” Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man’s bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
“This is amazing!” exclaims the Doctor. “What do you want me to do?”

“Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!” shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc…

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

“Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat’s moch batter, how moch is dare den?”

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. “£1,990 exactly.”

“Ah, dat’d be roit, says the Irishman
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Do this amazing mathematics exercise.

It will take only 20 seconds. What you have to do is to follow the instructions. Do not read the outcome before having made all the calculations, ok?

Let’s start!

1. Decide the number of times you wish to make love during one week.

2. Multiply this number by 50.

3. Add to the result 44.

4. Then, multiply by 200.

5. If, this year, you have already celebrated your birthday, add 104. If you have not celebrated it yet add 103.

6. Last step: to the result you have obtained, subtract your birth year (for example, subtract 1968, 1973, etc.).

Once you have made the subtraction, you should have a number with five figures.
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Our new neighbours are going on holiday at the end of the month to spend four weeks travelling across the US on motorbikes (a belated honeymoon) and they’ve asked us to take care of their garden.

Now, I’m all for being neighbourly but I think we’re going to have to suggest they get a professional in - what do you think?

I wouldn’t normally do this but I think some of you may be interested. I’m trying to sell a new bed which we ordered over the the internet (it hasn’t been delivered yet and although I can’t have a refund, the company has agreed to ship to a new address if I can sell it privately). To be honest, we just made a mistake with the measurements and have just realised that with the bed in place, we wouldn’t be able to get to the shower room and it would be difficult to open the wardrobe doors.

The bed frame is 100% hand carved in rosewood and imported from India, the mattress is high quality too. I thought I would give you guys first offers, but if you know of anyone else who might be interested please forward this on as I’d like to sell it ASAP.

Obviously, I haven’t named a price but if you’re interested let me know. Here’s a picture from the online store, email me for details if you’re interested.

An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby….all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.

She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.”
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Actually I just made that up because the last email with four attachments made me giggle. So here’s the next - four ways of recycling your old computer.

Number 4:

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I think you might know by now that I’m a dog person. I’d love to have a cat and some small furry creatures but it might be asking for trouble with a terrier and a german shepherd in the house so I just admire from afar. Then Adrian sent this picture of a naked mole-rat, or sand puppy:

Isn’t that just the cutest creature you’ve ever seen?
But I don’t think we’ll be adopting one any time soon. I’ll have to make do with pictures and the naked mole-rat cam. They’re fascinating mammals though:

Endowed with pinkish-gray, wrinkly skin, scant hair, and long buck teeth, naked mole-rats (Heterocephalus glaber) aren’t likely to win any beauty contests. Some might refer to them as downright ugly, resembling an overcooked hotdog with teeth. Nonetheless, biologists and zoogoers are enchanted with these bizarre rodents.

Despite the fact that they burrow underground like moles, and have big front teeth like rats have, naked mole-rats are more closely related to porcupines and guinea pigs than to moles or rats. This naked mole-rat colony occupies a labyrinth of transparent tubes that mimics the underground tunnels and burrows in Africa, where mole-rats live. The web cam is focused on a busy intersection of two tunnels. Mole-rats are the only known mammals to live in large colonies presided over by a queen (like ants and termites).

But Adrian’s description made me chuckle:

Must be hard to go through life looking like a p*nis with teeth!

Here’s a Friday thought - if this was your pet, what would you name him/her?

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.

“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“Yup,” replied the drunk.

“How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.

“Watch,” the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You asshole …it’s ten past three in the morning!”

[via non blogging Jane]