This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me and have a beer?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?” But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a drink with me?”
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As we’ve seen from Worth 1000 et al, folks are so clever at image manipulation these days, it’s hard to know when stuff is genuine or not. But these landed in my inbox a while back so I had to share.

Juicy bread rolls?
New! Improved!
Bum bum bananas. But of course.
Is that a chocolate bar in your pocket or do you have Big Nuts?
Oh well.
Batata!
This must have been photoshopped, no?
Now you’re just being silly.
Can’t we call it chicken soup?
Pardon?

[all thanks to non blogging Jane]

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker.
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An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, “Ah, young love… ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers… c’est magnifique!“, and continued to watch, remembering the good old days that he’d once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said, “Mais… sacré bleu! Ze woman she is dead!” before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, “Jean…Jean…zere is zis man, zis woman… naked in farmer Gaston’s field making love.”

The police chief smiled and said, “Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, l’amour! Zis is OK.”

“Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!”

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed, “Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!”

To which Pierre replied, “Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember… it’s spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, l’amour! Zis is very natural.”

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, “NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!” Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, “Mon dieu!” grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
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Dear Sirs

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded faceless entity which your bank has become.
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1. “I can’t find it”
MEANS: It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

2. “That’s women’s work”
MEANS: it’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. “Will you marry me?”
MEANS: both of my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there’s no peanut butter left.

4. “It’s a guy thing.”
MEANS: there’s no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
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• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What”s a whack?
• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren”t people from Holland called Holes?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts”, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It”s just stale bread to begin with.
• When cheese gets it”s picture taken, what does it say?

(more…)

The Japanese government has put a halt to all animal movement after a large number of reported cases of beds with nibble marks. They fear it may be a sign of a bad outbreak of futon mouse disease.

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: “It’s OK, I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions”
Girl: “OK.”
Medic: “What’s your name”
Girl: “Sharon”
Medic:”OK Sharon, where are you bleeding from?”
Girl: “Romford”

(more…)

With all the news on TV lately about the extreme weather conditions affecting the East Coast of the US, the mud slides in the Middle East and South America, along with the dire predictions made by such films as The Day After Tomorrow, we shouldn’t forget that the United Kingdom has its share of devastating weather too.

A friend of mine, Jane, has just sent me a photo illustrating the damage caused to their Surrey home from a storm that passed through Southern England last night.

It really makes you cherish what you have, and reminds us not to take things for granted.

Jane has kindly allowed me to post the picture of the storm damage here.

We had a wondeful holiday near Poitiers once, renting a gîte in a small village of only 20 or so houses.

Our next door neighbour, Sophie, was quite a character and we’d often stop and chat as I made my way to the bakery each moring to buy croissants and pains au chocolat.

One day I said to her “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. What’s your secret for such a long, happy life?”

“I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day”, she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop a huge number of pills and the only exercise I get is when my boyfriend is visiting from America.”

“This is absolutely amazing at your age”, I said. “Do you mind me asking how old you are?”

“Twenty four”, she replied.