TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You worship them.

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS: You don’t have any cows. You claim that the Indian cows belong to you. You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, Britain for warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, France for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for equipment. You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise when the cow drops dead. You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind. You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

(more…)

A man is walking his three-legged dog in the park when he comes across a lamp. He rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie says “I’ll grant you one wish.” “Can you make my dog win Crufts?” asks the man. “What with only three legs? Wish again.” the genie retorts. “OK” says the man, “Can you make England win Euro 2004 then?” The genie ponders a while before saying “let’s see that dog again…”

Oxo were going to bring out a Euro 2004 commemorative cube painted red, white and blue in honour of the England squad. But it was a laughing stock and crumbled in the box.

Q: What’s the difference between the England team and a tea-bag?
A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: What do a three-pin plug and the England football team have in common?
A: They are both useless in Europe!

[via non blogging younger brother]

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The priest told them: “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.” So the couple agreed.

After two and a half weeks they returned to the church. When the Priest ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband is obviously very depressed. “You are back so soon. Is there a problem?” the Priest asked.

“We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.” the young man replied sadly.

The Priest asked him what happened.

“Well, the first week was difficult… however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the bible, anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of peas and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right there & then” admitted the man, shamefacedly.

“You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church” stated the Priest.
(more…)

I was about to bin this email but suddenly realised that many of them really are stupidly true.

1. Moles are always smaller than you imagine
2. You’re never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps
3. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel manly*
4. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl
5. Everyone who grew up in the 80s entered the digits 71077345 into a calculator
(more…)

To: Daisy
From: The Department of Transport
Subject: Warning from the Department of Transport

New Department of Transport instructions:

In order to assist other motorists in identifying potentially dangerous drivers, it’s now compulsory for anyone with a lower than average intellect to display a warning flag, comprising of a red cross on a white background, attached to the top of at least one door of their vehicle. For drivers of exceptionally low intellect, additional flags are required.

what happens…

at night…

on…

your…

desk…

after…

having…

shut down…

your computer… ?

Wonder no more.

[Via non blogging Amanda and Pato de Laranja.]

A couple of cartoons from the inbox, circa 1999.

This one has nothing to do with snow but it made me giggle.

As we head toward springtime, many of you over the pond will be considering a trip to these beloved Isles. The following article appeared in an American magazine some years ago but it’s so full of useful advice for the intrepid traveller, I thought it would be useful to reprint the advice so that you have plenty of time to study and prepare yourself for the culture shock.

1. Money
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as “goolies” in slang, so you should for instance say “I’d love to come to the pub but I haven’t got any goolies.” Quid” is the modern word for what was once called a shilling, the equivalent of seventeen cents American.

2. Making friends
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a “tosser” – he will be touched. The British are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Should you be lucky enough to meet folks from further afield, do feel free to ask them questions about their own “country”. You might like to laugh politely if they jokingly deny being “English” and pretend to be “Scottish”, “Irish” or even “Welsh”. As you will know from the BBC, the whole of the United Kingdom is more commonly referred to as England and its inhabitants as English.
(more…)

A picture that encapsulates, I feel, the very essence of what every man feels is important in this life…

I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about icebergs. I haven’t even seen Titanic. But I just received this picture by email.

It was forward by the manager of an offshore drilling platform near St. Johns, Newfoundland:

They actually have to divert the path of these things away from the platform by towing them with ships. In this case the water was calm, the sun was almost directly overhead and the diver was able to get into the water to take the picture. They estimated the weight at 300 million tons.

Suddenly the sinking of the Titanic starts to make more sense.

[Via non blogging Jane.]

UPDATE: It’s all a hoax. Many thanks to David for the tip-off. That’ll teach me to do a bit of research before posting!