Four for the price of one today because I just realised that it’s a week since I last posted. Where the hell do the days go?

The censors say they’re protecting the family unit in America, when the reality is, if you suck a tit, you’re an X, but if you cut it off with a sword, you’re a PG.
– Jack Nicholson

If I had a large amount of money I should found a hospital for those whose grip upon the world is so tenuous that they can be severely offended by words and phrases yet remain all unoffended by the injustice, violence and oppression that howls daily about our ears.
– Stephen Fry

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.
– Lily Tomlin

I like having a machine called ‘elvis’ on the network because that way, I can say ‘ping elvis’ and have it come back with ‘elvis is alive’.
– Carl Shipley, overheard at the Usenix/LISA V Conference, San Diego, CA, 1991

“The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.”
– Alfred Hitchcock

Filed under “Padding while I get my blogging arse in gear”.

Ideally, advice the body of a woman should feel like a hot water bottle filled with Devonshire cream. You feel like a paper bag crammed with curtain rods.

Kurt Vonnegut, Happy Birthday, Wanda June

For those times when you’re feeling incompetent, ill at ease and generally mal dans sa peau, remember Henry Van Dyke‘s words:

Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.

And for Nick. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve lost the final battle in such a long and brave fight against cancer.

Time Is

Time is …
Too slow for those who wait,
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve,
Too short for those who rejoice,
But for those who love,
Time is Eternity.

– Henry van Dyke

A post of Joan‘s reminded me of the wonderful To Do List blog, a collection of lists from around the world. My favourite of the current batch was written on December 31st at 11:55 p.m and is titled “New Year’s Resolutions of a Brooklyn Teenage Girl, 1957” (no permalinks to individual posts I’m afraid, scroll down to Tuesday, February 28, 2006 (or go to the February 2006 archives).

New Year’s Resolutions

1) I will sew buttons as soon as they fall off.

But then you won’t get to collect buttons in a pretty jar.

2) I will wear lipstick whenever I leave the house.

Bleugh.

3) I will not tease boys (especially ones over 18).

At least I think it’s 18. I need a lewd comment from Doobyus here.

4) I will not get fat and flabby.

God forbid.

5) I will start every day off by grinning in the mirror.

Have you tried the tennis ball technique?

6) I will not light a cigarette if I don’t really want it.

Good for you!

7) I will gossip a little less maliciously with Ruth.

Remember the old saying, “Gossip is halitosis of the mind.”

8) I will not eat as much.

I’m sensing food issues here.

9) I will not fall into bed without brushing my hair & teeth, no matter what time it is.

I love the underlining.

10) I will always walk with my head up, and not wiggle so much.

Wiggle, girl, wiggle!

11) I will not pay for dates with kisses.

At least, I think that word is kisses. It is, isn’t it?

12) I will not go out with icky boys, ever!

But you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your handsome prince!

Isn’t English a wonderful language? That phrase popped into my head as I wandered past the laundry basket a minute ago, followed instantly by the image of a woman tripping along the street while running out of a pair of knickers.

But that’s not the quote of the day. For that we turn to today’s edition of The Weakest Link. We have “Nici”, a mortgage advisor with an attitude problem and an aging hag in black:

Question: The first Christmas radio broadcast in 1932 by King George V was written by which well known poet and author?

Answer: Oliver Cromwell.

Hmm. Back to the links eh?

Howard Stone is an odd man. Happily, he has shared the results of that oddness with us via the interweb in Pavement Terror.

My name is Howard Stone. Briefly, some years ago I had a delivery job in Southampton, England (I won’t say what I was delivering or for whom). It was very boring and badly paid but I soon found a way of livening it up.

I discovered that the van I had to drive could very easily be persuaded to produce very loud, frightening backfires as and when I wanted it to (I’m not telling you how, find out for yourselves) and as I’ve always been keen on photography, I tried an experiment. Read more…

I hate Graeme. For it is he who first pointed me toward Guess-the-Google. Do not click on that link if you have supper to prepare, children to bathe and get to bed – in fact, don’t click on that link if you have any sort of life at all. It will suck you in and bleed you dry. Really…

Q. “What does President Bush think about Roe vs. Wade?
A. He doesn’t care how people get out of New Orleans.”

The very best of the internet: An Ask MetaFilter thread starts off as a search for a Vienna phonebook from circa 1938 but goes on to a sweet ending that’ll have you choking back the tears.

And a quote for the day:

“The fragrance always stays in the hand that gives the rose”

— Hada Bejar

Dydd Gwyl Dewi Hapus to Emrys, Huwge, Razor, Lynne, Anni because she lives there, the Welsh rugby team and anyone else lucky to have been born with music in your blood and poetry in your soul.

And now to lower the tone considerably, another groaner – I think even I’ve heard this one before.

Two Welshmen meet in heaven, sitting on St. Peter’s bench before the Pearly Gates.
“So what brings you here, Dai?”
“Hypothermia”, replies Dai. “Froze to death. What about you, Gwyn?”
“Well, Dai, I was so sure my wife was having an affair, I bought a shotgun, came home and searched everywhere: the bedroom, the kitchen, the basement — everywhere! Didn’t find anyone so, in despair, I shot myself”.
“Oh Duw,” says Dai, “If you had only looked in the freezer, we might both still be alive”.

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment. Cleverness is mere opinion. Bewilderment brings intuitive knowledge”
— Jalal Al-Din Rumi, 1207-1273

I’m 50% of the way there then.

Patricia from The last 5 pages in a comment at Dirty feet, little white intentions:

You know what I loved about the Pipi Longstocking movies? If you looked closely (and by closely I mean pressing your face against the TV screen) you could see the fishing wire they used to keep her braids bent.

What? Don’t look at me like I’m the weird one. There are some things that just demand to be noticed.

Try googling for an image of the little miss. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.