England v Australia

[with apologies to Mr Chuck Berry and to the rest of the England squad but I’ve only got time to massacre one song]

Jonny Be Good

Deep down in Frimley close to old Camberley
Way back up on a street in the heart of Surrey
Stood a semi detached house made of brick and wood
Where lived an English boy named Jonny So Good
Who quickly learned to read and write and all
But he could kick the ball like no-one at all

Go go
Go Jonny go
Go go go Jonny go
Go go go Johnny go
Go go go Johnny go
Go
Jonny So Good

He used to carry his ball in his school rucksack
Go stand before the posts on Frimley Green rec
Oh, the locals would see him running in sun and shade
Kicking that ball o’er the posts until the sun did fade
People passing by they would stop and say
Oh my that little English boy could play

Go go
Go Jonny go
Go go go Jonny go
Go go go Johnny go
Go go go Johnny go
Go
Jonny So Good

His mama told him “someday you will be a man
And you will be the hero of rugby mad land
Many people coming from miles around
To see you kick that ball until the game is won
Maybe someday you will be in lights saying Johnny So Good”

(feel free to copy and amend to suit your most beloved/hated team)

A guy walks into a bar with a sausage-dog under his arm. The dog is wearing an England rugby jersey and is festooned with England pom-poms. The bartender says, “Hey! No pets are allowed! You’ll have to leave.” The guy begs him, “Look, I’m desperate! We’re both big fans, the TV’s broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the game.”

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and that he and the dog will kick themselves out if there’s any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The big game begins with the English receiving the kick-off. They march down field, get stopped at the 22, and Wilkinson kicks a drop goal. Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.

The bartender says, “Wow, that is the most amazing thing I’ve seen! What does the dog do if they score a try?”

The owner replies, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for three years.”

[Via Sevitz. Again.]

Will Carling decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace. Ieuan Evans admiringly watches his former adversary.

After a short time Will becomes a little casual and begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Ieuan starts to shout for someone to help as Will has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse’s neck.

Will decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along poor Will’s head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Ieuan is now frantic and runs for help…

Hearing his shouts, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

Just received a rather good joke from Alun which I hesitated about posting for oh, all of 2.9 nanoseconds, what with me living as an expat here in England and with an Englishman (even if he is blessed by having a Welsh father). But I quickly justified it by remembering:

1. Will Carling’s comment on Sunday, something along the lines of “… no offence to the Welsh but we [England] were playing down several gears last week…” I beg your pardon? I’ve always despised the bumfaced one (a face that you could never tire of slapping) but really.

2. Prince Harry, the son of the Prince of Wales, wearing an England shirt at the Wales v England game. [Actually I couldn’t give a monkeys what he wears and which team he cheers on. He’s an English boy, educated in English public schools, what do they expect? I’m just using it as an excuse.] And so here’s the joke.

A kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Maori Haka.

Meanwhile somewhere in space Aliens were watching this unusual dance.

Ka mate Ka mate Ka ora Ka ora…

The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing! So with the Aliens high-technology sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi blokes head and took a part of his brain away.

The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen…

Ka mate ka mate, ka ora ka ora…

WHAT THE??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing so they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain…

The Aliens watched on.

Ka-mate ka-mate ka-ora ka-ora…

What!!! The Aliens then said, geez theses kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let’s see what would happen if we take the remainder of his brain away and leave him with no knowlege whatsoever!

So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down which took the final part of the Kiwi’s brain. Now surely he won’t know anything at all he should be so dumb and stupid to do anything now? So with no brain and no knowlege of anything at all the Aliens watched on, the bloke then sang…

“Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home…”

Lots of rugby jokes at the BBC’s Scrum V page:

Two Canterbury boys are playing football when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.

A Christchurch press reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Crusader Fan saves friend from vicious animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.

But I’m not a Crusaders fan, the little hero replies.

Sorry, since we are in Canterbury I just assumed you were says the reporter, and he starts writing again.

“Highlander fan rescues friend from horrific attack”, he jots down in his notebook.

I’m not a Highlander fan either, the boy responds. The reporter starts again: “Hurricanes supporter risks life in heroic rescue.”

But I’m not a Hurricanes fan either, says the boy.

I assumed everyone in Canterbury was either for the Crusaders, Highlanders or the Hurricanes. What team do you root for? the reporter asked.

I’m an Auckland Blues fan, the boy says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes “Little Redneck ******* Kills beloved Family Pet”.

From Treena Daly, Wellington, NZ

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama last week when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt.

The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.

The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

Custody was granted to the Springbok rugby team this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

[Via a rugby mad Suid-Afrikaan]

[with apologies to Burt Bacharach]

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my make-up
I say a little prayer for you
I’m combing my hair now
And wond’ring what dress to wear now
I say a little prayer for you

Forever
and ever
you’ll stay in my heart
And I will love you
Forever
and ever
we never will part

Oh, how I’ll love you
Together
Forever
that’s how it must be.
To live without you
Would only mean heart break for me

I run for the bus, dear
While riding I think of us dear
I say a little prayer for you
At work I just take time
and all through my coffee break time
I say a little prayer for you

Forever
and ever
you’ll stay in my heart
And I will love you
Forever
and ever
we never will part
Oh, how I’ll love you
Together
Forever

that’s how it must be.
To live without you
Would only mean heart break for me
I say a little prayer for you
I say a little prayer for you

My darling, believe me
For me there is no one but you
Please love me too
(Answer his prayer)
I’m in love with you
(Answer his prayer now baby)
Answer my prayer now baby
(Answer his prayer)
Say you love me too

(Forever
and ever
you’ll stay in my heart
And I will love you
Forever
and ever
we never will part
Oh, how I’ll love you
Together
Forever
that’s how it must be.
To live without you
Would only mean heart break for me)

Good luck boys

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is an Englishman, one a Welshman and the other a Jamaican. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor.

All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying, “Gentlemen you won’t believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other.”

The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy.
“And”, said the doctor, “They have all had little boys.”

The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.

“However we do have one slight problem,” the doctor said. “In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them.”

With that the Englishman raced past the doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying, “There’s no doubt about it, this boy is mine!”
The doctor looked bewildered and said, “Well sir of all the babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of Jamaican descent.”

“True”, said the Englishman, “but one of the other two is ****** Welsh.”

(almost)
[via b3ta]

It doesn’t matter that we didn’t win. It was by far the most exciting game of the tournament so far ~ we were actually ahead after 45 minutes, allowing us all to dream a little, not so much of winning the match (although for a glorious few moments there…) but of a future where Wales are not the laughing stock of the rugby community. Well done lads.

Oh and England beat Uruguay.

New Zealand 28, Wales 24 at half time.